La garganta de las quimeras: del proceso mental tras las decisiones femeninas

En mayor o menor grado, todos presentamos ciertos patrones de conducta en nuestras relaciones. En mi caso, a la hora de determinar mis rupturas veo que hay un patrón que se repite, con las variantes propias de cada relación y adaptándolo al status sentimental del momento; el diálogo mental es muy similar. El interlocutor omnisciente, a quien llamaré mi conciencia (también se puede interpretar como múltiples personalidades) se encarga de aclarar los motivos tras los procesos mentales confusos de una decisión que se toma, aparentemente, de manera visceral.

La historia de mi vida: una constante dialéctica entre una personalidad dramática y ansiosa, llena de dudas y contemplaciones por el alcance de sus actos, y otra personalidad sarcástica, defensora del sentido común y ardorosamente indolente.

Diálogo interno (circa agosto 2003)

- So you got a boyfriend?
- Yes.
- And are you planning to leave him soon?
- Not until I find something better.
- Good choice.
- Yes. But sometimes I go like ‘may God grant me patience’.
- Is it really that unbearable?
- No. Not really. I tend to overreact.
- Tell me about it ...
- The thing is that he’s way too primitive for me.
- Does he paint buffalos on the walls of the cave he inhabits?
- No.
- I know, I was just overreacting. But then how primitive ... ?
- Well he says he’ll get married only once in his life.
- Is that a primitive way of thinking?
- No but it shows a conservative point of view about life. Sometimes I believe he’s really old-fashioned. Like he grew up in a farm or something.
- Well you know most guys present that feature eventually, it’s deep rooted into their minds no matter how educated they are.
- Yes but I’m starting to grow tired of it. You know I’m more inclined to the cosmopolitan than to the barbarian.
- Oh he can’t be a barbarian, come on ...
- No, he isn’t, you know I tend to exaggerate. But he’s so plain ... I mean I like simple people, with enough common sense and love for life but ...
- What?
- But he’s so plain.
- The guy’s not the problem, the thing is what happens between you two.
- Yes, that’s the point: nothing happens between the two of us. I mean we talk about non-trascendental stuff, which is perfectly acceptable for me, we also talk about trascendental stuff, which is also suitable and even desirable sometimes, but ... once there used to be some chemistry but I think it’s all gone. I think the so-called chemistry was nothing but expectation. Now that there’s little left to expect (at least for me), I’m starting to lose my faith.
- And it’s a tragedy for you to lose faith, huh ...?
- Oh, yes it is.
- However, no matter how unsatisfied you sound (and you do sound a lot like that), you haven’t dumped the man yet. Why?
- I told you, not until I find something better. It sounds cruel but that’s the truth.
- I appreciate your honesty.
- Thanks. Well, I haven’t done that because I’m still OK with it and there are some bright points in which I say ‘Well he’s a really nice guy, why wouldn’t I give us a chance?’. He’s been really sweet and I think he might be in love with me.
- So what?
- Well, I believe in love. And if he’s in love with me maybe he’ll do as much as possible to make me fall in love with him, and he could succeed.
- Mmm I don’t think so, I wouldn’t be so sure love is something you can gain by hard work ...
- Yeah I’ve thought about it but still haven’t figured it out ... but hell, what was the point here?
- Why do you put up with it.
- Oh yes. Well first it’s not like I’m putting up with something, it’s more like a matter of having a good time, going out, receiving messages in my mobile, I mean little enjoyable details that you don’t have when you’re on your own.
- So you’re with him because you don’t like to be on your own.
- I didn’t say that!
- No, I inferred it.
- Well, don’t. I’m with him because of the good things he’s brought to my life and because of the expectations I have for the future. I forgot to tell you he’s kinda shy (he told me so, and I believe him) and -
- Wrong, wrong, wrong ... you’re looking to the future to justify a void present! That’s one big mistake women commit when involved in unsatisfying relationships ... they ‘expect it’ to gradually become better as it if were a matter of time. Remember Jack Nicholson’s As good as it gets .... !
- Hey don’t interrupt me like that!
- OK, sorry.
- I was saying that the trust needed to build a beautiful relationship is not a magical thing that just pops up when a man and a woman look at each other in the eye-
- No? Then what was the glance with the guy of the videogames? The one you thought was gone and then came out of the blue and smiled at you and you were oh so-
- Shut up! That’s something completely different! That guy means nothing to me, he’s just a pastime, I haven’t changed a word with him and I don’t even know his name, for God’s sake!
- But you do write haikus on his behalf ...
- I said it’s only a pastime ...
- OK.
- Now will you let me finish the idea?
- Yes.
- OK. Well I was trying to say that my present boyfriend and I are still shy and maybe if that barrier crumbles we could become closer and have something good enough to keep us together.
- And what about love?
- Who knows what love is?
- I don’t. Do you?
- Neither do I, so I’m exploring new possibilities.
- That’s a wise thing to do. But in the meantime you’re losing time.
- What do you mean?
- Yes, you’re losing time hanging around with a guy who’s nothing but nice details and a promise, and forbidding yourself from pursuing higher goals, that is, other prospects.
- Prospects? Come on, I have none.
- Oh you have a couple there.
- Not really. They’re nothing but chimeras.
- Who knows, your chimeric expectations may come true some day, I mean, why do you give this guy’s “promise” a chance and cut your beloved chimeras’ throats without mercy?
- Because chimeras belong to where they were spawned: my mind. That’s their realm and that’s where they’re useful. They don’t work beyond that frontier.
- Your objectivity leaves me speechless.
- It’s true: when I tried to bring those dreams to reality, they perished like fish taken out of the water. They became smelly pieces of flesh.
- That’s disgusting ....
- Yes it is. So I’d rather not turn them into that.
- Well that’s wise but I’d still say you could grant them the benefit of the doubt ...
- Indeed, that’s why I keep all the candles lit, as long as they’re worth it of course.
- Cool, so all you need to do now is keep yourself from hurting your boyfriend or viceversa. And that’ll do.
- Yes, that’ll do and I think we can deal with it, right?
- Well yes, but you know nobody guarantees that.
- Yes, I’ll take the risk. Let’s go to sleep now, it’s late.
- Alright. See ya.

(Nota: finalmente nunca le dí una oportunidad y a la primera de cambio, lo mandé a la mierda porque quedó de hablarme una tarde para salir y no lo hizo... Esa vez, las gargantas de las quimeras se salvaron, al menos por un tiempo más.. hasta que salieron del agua y murieron como pescados, como suele sucederles. Cuatro años más tarde, con otras agravantes y muchos más menesteres imputables, la historia se ha vuelto a repetir. Ya veremos si ahora las quimeras logran sobrevivir).

Imagen: feet by John Rey