Serious...?

In which place -better than a common elevator- could void itself find a way to convey the various significances that the absurd adopts when it is forced to fit in what we call ‘reality’?

Gee, what the fuck did I want to say up there?

Well, the point is that I’ve been having this weird feeling all the way, you know, when you come across serious people, men wearing gray suits and suitcases and often a weary expression on their incipiently wrinkled faces, and women having these huge, plastic nails and these pointy stilettos, and their hair so flattened and stuff, and I feel like a little girl just taking the elevator to get some candy from floor 12, and they’re so grown ups and I’m so not-into-their-world, and I feel a bit ashamed about it.

I’m starting to wonder how long can I make this last? I mean, this situation of not working here at all, except for being on time (when I don’t feel like sleeping one more hour, like today), not having any commitment at all and just waiting for the chance of being fired? I’ve never been so irresponsible in my whole life!! *laughs*.

I think this is living proof of my involution process: when I was in high school, I used to be so…. contractée? Is that the way to call it? It was even worse in junior high, and in elementary school well, I had the solemnity of a minister. Every deed was to be taken into consideration.

And now, well now, let’s not say that I’ve become decontractée, actually that is a trait of character I haven’t fully developed yet, but I’ve managed to turn into this sort of mediocre, cynical goblin that plays tricks on her coworker’s emails, spends most of her office time performing non-office activities, and is there just as long as she finds something better… as long as the (mediocre) paycheck keeps coming in again. I’d call this the apex of cynicism in my whole life.

But, guess what? Maybe I’m actually coming to terms with becoming part of this mass stream I’ve always felt so “different” to belong to. I’ve always had to be a paria to feel that I fit in. And guess what. Now I’m finally fitting in the feeling of not fitting in. Lovely, isn’t it?

30 reasons to be thankful for now that I’m 29 (going on for 30)

1. I love my family, my parents are alive, together and healthy, and I get along with them pretty well.
2. I have a brother who has dodged institutionalization because of his mental illness and up to now he’s still able to live with my parents.
3. I’m mostly healthy and don’t have any major disease or health issue.
4. I was born in a country and live in another one, and I value the experience.
5. I left my family household when I was 25 in a totally non-traumatic way.
6. I now live in an apartment where I’m able to host my 2 kitties.
7. I don’t have any major mortgage, credit or loan. My debts are minimal.
8. I bought my own car without any credits with the money I saved 4 years ago.
9. I have an IT degree and don’t regret having chosen it over psychology, my true passion.
10. I got my degree 7 years ago with a full scholarship so I didn’t have a huge debt to pay when I got out of school.
11. I’ve got an MBA when I was 28, and it was free, too.
12. I had a chance to obtain a diploma in Psychoanalysis and enjoyed very much diving into this profession which I plan to exert in the future.
13. I got a job immediately after getting out of college, so I’ve never been really unemployed.
14. I left this first job after 2 years because I wanted to study a master’s degree and dance, and that’s what I did for almost 5 years. And having a great in-campus job.
15. I was able to be in a semi professional jazz dance company, touring the country, partying and having fun for about 5 years.
16. I was able to return to the company where I had my first job, 5 years later, hired not outsourced, in a relatively easy and fast way.
17. I speak English almost as a native because my High School taught me very well.
18. Learning languages comes to me very easily and I enjoy it very much.
19. I have an intermediate German degree, which my current job allowed me to obtain last year.
20. I have a job that leaves me plenty of time to study Business English and now to come back to dance, after one long year of rest.
21. I have at least 5 best girlfriends whom I can fully trust and rely on for emotional support.
22. I have at least 12 good friends from College, High School or previous jobs who are always inviting me to parties and offering their continuous friendship.
23. I’ve got to know romantic love and its mysterious ways without getting stuck in any failure, getting unwanted pregnancies or suffering any major disenchantment.
24. I believe in God but I’m not trapped in any religion or externally imposed cult.
25. I have aunts, uncles, grandparents, grandaunts, cousins and friends in my birth country with whom I have a good and close relationship despite the distance.
26. I believe I’m beautiful and I’m happy with my looks, weight, and my body in general.
27. I have a boyfriend I love and who loves me in return, with whom I’m learning a lot of things.
28. I have enough money, time and will to buy videogames, clothes, makeup, gifts and to make small weekend travels.
29. I was able to travel to my home country this year, after 5 years of not going.
30. I’m planning to go back to my home country, find a job there, and start a new life there with my boyfriend, who will go there with me one year after I’m installed.